I thought my mistakes had become louder than my prayers. I couldn't have been more wrong.
By Your Friend
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| No matter how far you feel, Allah's mercy is always closer than your despair. |
There was a time when I stopped making dua as often as I used to.
Not because I didn't believe Allah could answer me.
But because I felt ashamed.
Every time I raised my hands, my mind reminded me of the mistakes I had made.
The prayers I had missed.
The promises I had broken.
The sins I had repeated, even after asking Allah to forgive me.
A quiet thought settled in my heart.
"After everything I've done... why would Allah listen to me?"
I never said those words out loud.
But I carried them.
Every day.
Maybe you've felt something similar.
You want to return to Allah.
You want to make dua.
You want to believe that He is near.
But every time you try...
Your past stands in front of you like a wall.
It whispers,
"You've failed too many times."
"You're not sincere anymore."
"Allah must be tired of hearing the same apology."
For a long time...
I believed those whispers.
One evening, after Maghrib, I sat alone on my prayer mat.
I wasn't planning to make a long dua.
I honestly didn't know what to say.
For several minutes, I just sat there in silence.
Then, almost without thinking, I whispered,
"Ya Allah... I don't even know how to come back to You anymore."
It wasn't a beautiful dua.
It wasn't filled with eloquent words.
It was simply the truth.
And strangely...
For the first time in a long while, my heart felt lighter.
Not because all my problems disappeared.
But because I had finally stopped pretending before the One who already knew everything.
A few days later, while reading the Qur'an, I came across a verse that seemed to speak directly to the part of my heart I had been hiding.
"Say, 'O My servants who have transgressed against themselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.'"
— Surah Az-Zumar (39:53)
I read the verse again.
Then a third time.
One phrase stayed with me.
"Do not despair."
Allah wasn't speaking only to people who had lived perfect lives.
He was speaking to those who had transgressed against themselves.
People who had made mistakes.
People who carried regrets.
People... like me.
That day, I realized something I wish I had understood much earlier.
My sins were telling me to run away from Allah.
But Allah Himself was inviting me to return.
And suddenly...
The distance I had been feeling wasn't because Allah had stopped listening.
It was because I had stopped believing I was worthy of speaking.
That realization changed the way I looked at repentance forever.
I Thought Repentance Meant Never Falling Again
For a long time, I misunderstood what repentance really meant.
I believed that if I sincerely asked Allah for forgiveness...
I would never commit that sin again.
So whenever I slipped...
I became discouraged.
"What's wrong with me?"
"Didn't I already ask Allah to forgive me?"
"Maybe my repentance wasn't accepted."
Those thoughts weighed heavily on me.
Then I started reading more about Allah's names.
One name kept returning to my heart.
At-Tawwab—The One Who Continually Accepts Repentance.
Not the One Who Accepts Repentance only once.
Not the One Who Forgives only the strongest believers.
But the One who welcomes His servants every time they sincerely return.
That changed something inside me.
Because if Allah repeatedly opens the door of repentance...
Why was I acting as if it had already been closed?
The Shame That Was Keeping Me Away
Looking back now...
I realize something painful.
The biggest problem wasn't always my mistakes.
It was what happened after my mistakes.
Instead of running to Allah...
I hid from Him.
I delayed my prayers because I felt guilty.
I delayed making dua because I felt unworthy.
I delayed opening the Qur'an because I thought,
"I'll come back when I'm better."
But that's like refusing to visit a doctor until you've already healed yourself.
It doesn't make sense.
The Qur'an wasn't meant only for the person who never struggles.
It's also for the one trying to find their way back.
Prayer isn't a reward for perfection.
It's part of the journey back to Allah.
The more I understood that...
The less power shame had over me.
Then I Remembered How Merciful Allah Truly Is
One day I reflected on something simple.
If Allah wanted to abandon me...
Why would He keep placing the desire to return inside my heart?
Every time I felt regret after a sin...
Every time I missed speaking to Allah...
Every time I wished I were closer to Him...
Those feelings themselves were a mercy.
Because a heart that still longs for Allah is not a heart that has been abandoned.
That thought filled me with hope.
Perhaps my greatest mistake wasn't believing I had sinned too much.
Perhaps my greatest mistake was underestimating Allah's mercy.
And no matter how many times I think about it...
That realization still brings tears to my eyes.
I Stopped Trying to Be Perfect
From that day onward, my goal changed.
I stopped chasing the image of becoming a "perfect Muslim."
Instead...
I wanted to become a Muslim who never stopped returning to Allah.
Because perfection belongs to Allah alone.
But returning...
Returning is something every one of us can do.
Every single day.
Every single prayer.
Every single sincere Astaghfirullah.
And somehow...
That goal felt lighter.
More hopeful.
More honest.
There Are Still Days I Need to Return
If I'm honest...
I still make mistakes.
I still have days when I wish I had spoken more kindly.
Days when I become distracted in my prayers.
Days when I realize I could have done better.
The difference is this.
I no longer let my mistakes convince me to stay away from Allah.
Instead...
They remind me how much I need Him.
When I fall now, I try not to stay on the ground.
I whisper,
"Astaghfirullah."
I pray.
I make dua.
And I keep walking.
Because I've learned something beautiful.
Allah never asked me to live without mistakes.
He asked me to keep turning back to Him.
The Door I Thought Was Closed
There was a time when I imagined Allah's mercy like a door.
Every sin I committed made that door feel a little farther away.
Eventually, I believed I had walked so far that I could never find it again.
But I understand something different now.
The door never moved.
I did.
And every sincere step back toward Allah brought me closer to a mercy that had been waiting for me all along.
That thought still comforts me.
Not because it makes sin seem small.
But because it reminds me that Allah's mercy is greater.
Far greater.
Before You Leave...
If you're reading this while carrying regret...
Please don't let regret become a prison.
Let it become a bridge.
A bridge that leads you back to Allah.
Don't wait until you feel worthy.
Don't wait until you've fixed every part of your life.
Come as you are.
With your tears.
With your fears.
With your unanswered questions.
With your broken heart.
Allah already knows all of it.
And His mercy is still waiting for you.
A Dua From One Friend to Another
Before we part, let me make a dua for both of us.
O Allah, never let our sins make us despair of Your mercy.
When we fall, give us the strength to stand again.
When we feel ashamed, remind us that Your forgiveness is greater than our mistakes.
Keep our hearts alive with repentance, hope, and love for You until the day we meet You.
Ameen.
Until Next Time...
If there's one lesson I'll carry from this journey, it's this:
I used to believe my biggest problem was that I had sinned too much.
Now I know...
My biggest mistake was doubting the mercy of the One who calls Himself The Most Forgiving, The Most Merciful.
So if you've been waiting for the right moment to return to Allah...
Don't wait another day.
Return today.
Return with the prayer you still remember.
Return with the dua you haven't made in a long time.
Return with a simple,
"Ya Allah... I'm here."
Because you'll never surprise Allah with your mistakes.
But you'll always honour Him by returning with sincerity.
Until next time...
Your Friend
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